Lonely Lonely Christmas

It was the worst, and the best Christmas so far. On Christmas Eve, I was on my way to “hunt” some snacks for the Netflix moment with him, but all that I can see were couples, and couples. Different girls and boys, wearing those silly smiles, walking side by side, with presents, or flowers, or, what-so-ever! Terrific!

I took my AirPods out of the case, and played “seven rings”.

I love that song, though I am not rich.

It was late, and I decided to take a walk. Probably I will just wander by the shore, I guess, and wait for him to call me. I miss him, well, not exactly. I miss him but missing him makes me feel so painful. I guess I was hurt, even though I knew he did nothing wrong.

Probably I was just scared since I am a very timid person, and I was so used to having all those protections and being the princess.

After two minutes, I found myself have no interest in going further, instead, I wanted to go back home.

“But I have to make myself active, now it is my winter break, and I should not spend all these time in a small, dark, messy room like an old lady knitting a scarf with a bunch of cats.”

I lost my way, on the street which was covered by my footprints.

“Being alone never felt right. sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right.”  

Charles Bukowski

Merry Traffic Christmas

It was not cold, so I sit in a place where homeless people would appreciate, and thinking about how pathetic I am. I felt lost, lost in this Metropolis, lost in the materialistic paradise. Everybody, especially couples, or sometimes, families, they are passing through the Christmas-ish luxury shops, and, well, me. I was sitting on the floor and staring at them, and all I can think is why are they so tall, happy, and why am I so extra.

I don’t want to tell him my feelings, as I don’t want him to carry the extra burden.

It was ten something, and there are some guys who want to help ( I guess they thought that I was drunk) I rejected them, and as soon as they saw the tears in my eyes, they left with a sigh.

Yes, I was crying, at the Christmas Eve, alone, on the street.

It wasn’t a quiet place, yet all I can hear is nothing – the noises that surrounding me mixed together and slowly merged into a whole monotone which I then slowly drowned into. All the people’s voices, the beeping of the cars, the sound of the traffic lights… I can’t tell which sound is which, but such a sound slowly became something I think external. Then, I heard nothing. I was in my own little world and the city just forgot my existence.

Being homeless is not that bad, I said to myself.

The traffic light’s green and the red car light made everything so Christmas. How can I never notice this? Merry Christmas, Merry Traffic Christmas.

Did you know that Christmas Day is absolutely the best day to fly? It is. No crowded airports and crowded planes. I always flew to Australia. That’s what Christmas was for me – a plane journey to the next tournament.

Monica Seles

Happy Happy Christmas

The next morning, I woke up with him. I wasn’t sleeping well during the night, but still, I woke up with him. The night of Christmas Eve was a mess, no movies, no snacks, no alcohol, all we had was depressive troubles.

But I woke up with him.

We watched a movie, a comedy. The movie sucks. But we watched the movie together, and because of the “watching together” part, I will rank this movie a 4/10.

Happy Happy Christmas. Although the happiness was a latecomer.

Happy Happy Christmas.

Look, it is a Christmas Tree